Transformation from the Inside Out

I flew to my parent's house in Missouri this weekend. It was an interesting trip...

Earlier in the day, I had a back spasm that about brought me to the floor. I was frozen and practically had to be carried into the living room to lie down. Well, I was still determined to make my flight. I walked (like an old lady bent over and wobbling) through security. I heard God say, "ask for a wheelchair." I argued for a while, just being my stubborn self. Finally I gave in and asked. It turned out my gate was really far away. The airport employee wheeled me quickly and boarded me first. If I hadn't asked for help, I would have missed my flight. Then I heard God say, "Admit your weaknesses and don't be afraid to ask for help. I made you weak so I can be strong in you. When you display your weaknesses, I will grant you favor." I know, pretty profound for just a trivial event at the airport but something that really encouraged me.

For those of you who do not know, I am a resident at Mercy Ministries in Nashville, TN. I served full time in missions and children's ministry throughout 2008. I learned a lot and really enjoyed working for God's kingdom at a church I still love; however, I continued to struggle with personal issues. I suppressed pain from my past for years. Then I got so busy serving, that I never opened my own heart for God to heal me. I knew the Truth of God's Word, but I was too busy working for God to work with God to transform myself from the inside out. I didn't deal with the junk in my heart and grow in relational Truth (daily renewing my mind to God's Truth and choosing to rest in Him), which really sets people free. I have been at Mercy since Nov 25th, 2008 and should complete the program in a couple months. It's amazing all God has done in my life already. A big part of me wants to share everything I was dealing with and how I'm already walking in freedom, but I don't think it's time yet to share all the details yet. Of course I'm excited to share more after graduation. I am already free from self-destructive behaviors, but God is still at work on the inside of me and of course will continue to be for the rest of my life. Still, I can choose to believe the truth that I am a daughter of the Most High God and inherit His righteousness through His dear Son.

I want to share a couple of my recent journal entries over the past few weeks. God spoke to me before, but I struggled to discern His voice among my thoughts and lies from the enemy. As I chose to rest in Him, not just physical but an internal rest of trusting and leaning on Him, and choosing to obey (even grudgingly), He began to reveal more of Himself to me as I wrote His Words on paper. I've never been one to randomly write things and claim I heard God or tell people I have a Word for them without first finding confirmation through The Bible and my spiritual authority. So after receiving confirmation, I believe these messages are from Him. I also believe they are not just words for me but for others who may choose to read them. I'm also humbled that in my weakness, He truly is strong. I wanted more than anything to please Him and serve Him. Well, I messed up (of course, we all do, but my perfectionism did not allow me to believe that) and even ran from Him, fearing His punishment. When I finally stood still, admitted my weakness, and chose to draw near to Him, He drew near to me - not because I pretended to have it all together or continued on in my selfless sacrifice in my own strength. And I ask, "God, who am I that You are mindful of me?"

1-20-09
The peace and comfort and happiness you feel from other things are not real. I am real. I love you my daughter. You are precious to me as you are. Don't be scared to come to me as you often are with authority. I will not punish you. I bring correction so you will know who you are in me and not in what you do. Receive My peace.

1-21-09
You built thick walls to protect your heart. Instead of protecting yourself, you actually created a barrier between us. But no wall is too thick for me. We are breaking the walls together. Now forgive yourself because I have already forgiven you.

2-4-09
Daughter, I don’t make junk. I create precious jewels. But just like a jeweler takes a rock that may look dusty and hidden in a cave, I also pull you out of the darkness. I see the beauty hidden under the clay. Though others might not have recognized it, nothing is hidden from my sight. But daughter allow me to clean you. Allow me to chisel the muck away because that’s not the way I see you. I’m forming you now into the jewel I made you to be. And this jewel will sparkle and shine and make my name famous. Don’t be scared to show the world what I’ve made you to be. Remember jewels do not emit their own light. I’ve made you a jewel to reflect the light I shine on you. A jewel does not shine in the dark. Darkness hides the jewel. But when my light shines, all these flaws and things you hate about yourself fade away. Only my glory reflects off of you. No matter how hard it tries, a diamond cannot shine on its own. Stop trying to shine on your own. When my light shines on you, a beautiful prism of colors will come forth. This is who you really are.

-Your Healer, Redeemer, and Friend